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Dirty the Pooh and the Hundred Acre Shitpile/ chapter 3 In which nothing happens at all
This is the third and last audiobook in the Dirty the Pooh audiobook series and it's narrated by Jim Dale. The chapter's title is "In which nothing happens at all....really...I promise". Plot The animals have had many hot orgies for weeks, where they get hotter. One day, Winnie the Pooh calls for an assembly, in which he declares that Satan has told him to kill everyone and destroy the planet. Pooh farts which rips open a vortex, sending in demons to take over the Hundred Acre Wood. Piglet is the first to be attacked, his eyes are melted by Pooh's glare. Meanwhile, everything in the Hundred Acre Wood comes to life, where Rabbit is murdered by the Living Trees and Pooh Bear. Pooh then devours Piglet. Pooh kills Roo and Kanga soon after. Ron Weasley randomly appears, where he soils himself immediately. Ron then witnesses Hairy Demon Spiders brutally murder Owl, which spooks him into flyhacking. Jim Dale bans Ron for cheating. Tigger complains that it was all boring. Pooh replies by drinking the blood of a baby rabbit. Pooh chants an unholy chant, so everyone knew it was time to die. Evil Monkeys and Zombies pour from underground, attacking and presumably killing a few people. Then, all of a sudden, a few hundred Retardedsaurus came around and ate a few of the monkeys. Christopher Robin disapproves of the creature's existence, but is killed by the Retardedsuarus after they defecate on him. Eeyore's ass opens up a gateway, causing the Four fucking Horsemen of the stickpocalypse to fly out. They rape everyone with their 666 penises. The planet then explodes killing everyone. In Hell, Jesus Christ circumcises Christoper Robin, while Satan rapes the other animals. As for Tigger, God ejaculates on his face, in which Tigger declares that he had in fact won. Christopher Robin demands an answer but gets nothing. Tigger goes back home to sleep with Jim Dale. Transcript Jim Dale - Dirty the Pooh (sighs) and the Hundred Acre Shitpile. Chapter Three, in which nothing happens at all...really...I promise. Nobody could remember anything like it. All the animals were constantly fucking for 40 days and 40 nights and it kept getting hotter. Then, it got even hotter. Christopher Robin was too hot for his own good. Then, one day, which some said was the hottest yet and others said was the hottest ever since time began, it got even hotter. Then, one day, it got even hotter. So very hot that all the animals got even hotter. Winnie the Pooh - “There, there, settle down everybody,” Jim Dale - said Pooh, Winnie the Pooh - “it’s time for assembly...FROM HELL!” Jim Dale - Pooh’s pupils lit up murderously with a sudden flaming light. Winnie the Pooh - “My very dear friend, Satan, told me to tell you that the job for today is to die and make it as painful as possible”. Jim Dale - Then, with a great grunt of Winnie the Pooh - "MMMMMHNNNMMMMM", Jim Dale - the loudest, jumpiest, most harmonious and tumultuous fart came tumbling out of Pooh’s enormous rear. The sky was stained bright green with his poison fart, a dark, roiling, massive cloud spreading across the horizon, already huge and growing. Growing fast. Winnie the Pooh - “Yeeeeessss, God can’t help you nooow.” Jim Dale - There was a loud rumble of thunder, lightning flickered above the Hundred Acre Wood and shot toward the ground with accompanying explosions. Within seconds, the forest was lit on fire, with a spectacular display of great flaming meteors of shit, showering from the sky and raining death from above. Then, near the horizon, the moon came falling down slowly out of the sky, with a burning stream of cosmic skeet behind it, and was heading straight for the extremely fucked Hundred Acre Wood. Piglet - “I don’t want to be here” Jim Dale - said Piglet. Winnie the Pooh - “Go to sleep, Piglet” Jim Dale - said Pooh and glared at him so fiercely, that Piglet's eye’s melted like marshmallows all over his face. At that moment, as gigantic geysers of boiling piss were billowing from underneath the crumpled earth, suddenly, the Hundred Acre Wood came to life. Branches thick as a python smashed into Rabbit’s chest, and his blood spurted over everything. The trees were attacking them, pummeling every inch of the animals they could reach. With a loud ripping noise, Rabbit’s spine snapped almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on by a few splinters. Then Pooh grinned with satisfaction as he drove his fist deep into Rabbit’s ribs and pulled out his hand, grasping his tiny heart, beating. Rabbit went down on all fours, unable to breathe, the pain almost unendurable and his intestines dripping with digestive juices burst suddenly from the gaping hole in his stomach and wrapped themselves around Piglet’s neck, slowly strangling the life out of his tiny body as Pooh farted a fire which barbecued Piglet a delicious golden brown. Pooh raised Piglet’s meaty, grilled tucas to his mouth and tore off a large hunk with his crooked brown teeth, chewing it open mouthed, swallowing loudly. Winnie the Pooh - "(eating sounds) Nom,” Jim Dale - said Pooh, chewing. Piglet - “OW” Jim Dale - said Piglet, dying. Winnie the Pooh - "(eating sounds) nom nom nom”. Jim Dale - He ate another piece and then another, taking his time. Winnie the Pooh - "(more eating sounds) Nooomm” Jim Dale - said Pooh, suddenly whipping out a ginormous ninja sword and started to swing it in great circles above his head and Roo got cut into strips which Pooh stuffed into Piglet’s half eaten carcass which he forced Kanga to eat, covered in his own special Pooh Bear icing. Christopher Robin - “AHHHHHH” Jim Dale - says Christopher Robin, as another tree's twisted limb punched a large dent into his face so that it collapsed quite flat and a vicious uppercut from another branch pounded furiously on Kanga’s cunt which seemed to be caving. Then there was a popping noise and for some strange reason, Ron came suddenly out of the void. (electronic noise) Ron - “Whoooooooaaaaa!” Jim Dale - He looked all around him and soiled his pants. Ron - “Oh shit, we’re done for. Run for it!” Jim Dale - Ron shouted, just in time to see the swarm of Hairy Demon Spiders, with skeet spraying mouth organs, burrow under Owl’s skin and wriggle through into his brain, eating his face from the inside out. Ron shit his pants again, loudly, and the only plan he could come up with was to try to fly out. So, he tried to escape by fly-hacking but started clipping through the floor instead and got his accounts banned by Jim Dale forever, which was very good because he had no friends and was a huge noob. Tigger - “BOOORING!!!” Jim Dale - shouted Tigger. Pooh’s eyes opened very wide and he stared at him, exposing an upside down pentagram, burning bright yellow in his eye. Winnie the Pooh - “Nigger, please!” Jim Dale - said Pooh. Then, he suddenly grabbed a baby rabbit and he bit off it's head and drank (gasp) the warm, (gasp) glorious blood (gasp) dripping from the lifeless corpse, savouring its sweetness as he swallowed. Then he rose up high, high into the air. Pooh raised his hands above his head, holding up in one hand the bloody, severed head of David Benedictus, and started chanting a heart-stopping, soul-chilling unholy chant, so that everybody knew that it was time to die. Winnie the Pooh - “I want souls, thousands and thousands of doomed souls!!!” Jim Dale - Then, they all watched as it grew even darker and the blackest of black holes appeared in the ground. Evil Monkeys poured from underworld and began beating off and throwing dirty shit grenades in every direction and zombies, brandishing rusty, razor sharp, black, metal, spiked dildos sharpened on the dicks of Christian children and with heads filled with explosive cum, leapt on all the animals and violently stabbed and sodomized them all, tearing up every anal cavity with their specially homemade, rectum-ripping sex toys, then burst open with a combined force of a thousand suns, blowing the animals to bits and leaving behind a crimson cloud of liquefied pieces of bones, blood, and demonic sperm. Then, more than a hundred very special, retarded Tyrannosaurus with massive Asperger’s and Down's Syndrome started rampaging around the place and breathing with their mouths open. Christopher Robin didn’t approve of it...at all. Christopher Robin - “I’m Christopher Robin and you’re a huge tard” Jim Dale - he said. Grinning stupidly, the Tyrannosaurus stuffed the Evil Monkeys whole into their large mouths. For a moment, they all chewed greedily, looks of triumph on their faces. But just then, a loud fart blast of Evil Monkey-shaped shits came shooting out of their tyranno-sphincters over Christopher Robin's head with a big, fat “ffffffbltthhhhhhhttttt”. Retardedsaurus - “Ha, ha” Jim Dale - said the Retardedsaurus. Eeyore - “And now it’s getting worse” Jim Dale - said Eeyore, as the Four Fucking Horsemen of the Stinkpocalypse came riding out of his butt, mounted on horses made from the devil’s shit and wank, and raped everybody with their 666 fire-breathing penises, so hard that blood and sperms spurted relentlessly out of the animal's orifices...all of them. Winnie the Pooh - “It’s all over now,” Jim Dale - said Pooh, gravely, Winnie the Pooh - “the dark side is taking you”. Jim Dale - And then the world suddenly exploded and everything was gone. All the animals died a horrible, slow death, suffocating from the smell of Pooh’s arsehole, but nobody minded because they all went to burn in Hell forever (chuckles), which was much more exciting because Satan pwned them up their shitholes and Christ circumcised the end Christopher Robin’s foreskin with his fucking teeth. And, God bukkake a billion fabulous flavor of sperm over Tigger’s face. He thought he had never tasted anything so delicious in all his life. Tigger - “Hooraaay, I’ve won!” Jim Dale - cried Tigger. Tigger - “Tiggers like cum! Tiggers like cum veeeerrrry much!” Christopher Robin - “But Tigger, why?” Jim Dale - said Christopher Robin. Tigger - “Don’t know!” Jim Dale - said Tigger, and he fucked off happily to bed...with Jim Dale. List of deaths *Piglet - Eyeballs melted, then roasted before being eaten by Winnie the Pooh. *Rabbit - Killed by trees and by Pooh. *Roo - Killed by Pooh's ninja sword. *Kanga - Murdered by trees after being forced to eat her own son. *Owl - Eaten from the inside out by hairy demon spiders. *Baby Rabbit - Eaten By Pooh *Some evil monkeys - Killed by Retardedsaurus *Christopher Robin - Killed by Retardedsaurus feces. *Tigger - Planet explodes. *Eeyore - Planet explodes. For those too lazy to read Trivia *To many fans this is considered the best audiobook out of them all. * Out of all the main characters (aside from Jim Dale) Pooh is the only one to survive. * Ron appearing "out of no where" is a reference to Dirty Potter 3 where J.K Rowling sent Ron to another dimension, this being the Hundred Acre Wood. * This audiobook was inspired by Dirty Potter finding out he had Christian fans and deciding to troll them. Category:Dirty the Pooh Category:Audiobooks Category:Audiobooks where characters die